Rejected Harry Potter Plot Twists
by 42nd Dreamer
Summary: With the books finally drawing to a close..pause for tears..the truth has come to light about what J. K. Rowling chose NOT to include in her famously complicated plotlines.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hello and welcome to the House of Random Fanfiction. I am an infinitely powerful, pan-dimensional being from the far corner of the galexy, and the true owner of all of the Harry Potter books, which J.K. Rowling blatantly plagarized. And if you believe that, I have a hippogriff to sell you.

ONWARDS!

_**Rejected Harry Potter Plot Twists**_

Moaning Myrtle is brought back to life and ousts Ginny as Harry's chief love interest.

Dumbledore discovers the Chamber of Secrets two weeks before Harry and decides, with the assistance of an unexpectedly fashion-conscious basilisk, to convert it into a fancy dress ballroom.

The Weird Sisters cancel their Yule Ball concert date at the last minute and are replaced by Metallica.

Voldemort becomes highly self-conscious about his unhealthily pale skin tone and dies from a bad case of melanoma contracted from too much time in the tanning bed. Harry is spared the worry.

The houses on Spinner's End are demolished, much to the dismay of the Severus Snape Metaphor Machine.

After the death of the entire Order of the Phoenix, Crabbe and Goyle turn to the good side and save the world from destruction.

Janet Jackson shows up and claims to be the 5th Marauder.

Blaize Zabini is revealed to be a transvestite, thus augmenting the gender-based confusion surrounding him prior to the 6th book.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters decide they don't really care for this whole "Pure, Unadulterated Evil and World Domination" business, and use their ill-gotten gains to retire to Jamaica.

In the final battle scene, Voldemort shouts "No, Harry. I **AM** your father."

Mrs. Norris turns out to be Fridwulfa in Animagus form,

Flourish and Blotts is condemned as a fire hazard.

Charlie goes on a dragon-tracking mission in Norway, where he is eaten by Norbert.

Bill and Fleur front a band called The Sexified Were-Veelas.

Professor Lupin gets a makeover and goes on to be a contestant on American Idol.

So does Alastor Moody.

He wins.

Mundungus Fletcher is arrested for drug dealing.

The Ministry of Magic judicial system is refined to include punishment options other than "Life Imprisonment in Azkaban."

Madame Pince and Filch start having an affair

She cheats on him and has a steamy side dish with Daedalus Diggle.

The mourning Hufflepuffs decide to honor the sacred memory of Cedric Diggory by holding a beauty contest

Which is absolutely swept by a cross-dressing Professor Snape, secretly inspired to be a (slightly greasy) drag queen by Neville Longbottom's boggart.

On yet another late-night visit, Harry notices that Dumbledore's office has a distinct odor of cannabis.

This explains a lot.

Half of the centaurs are revealed to be nothing but two drunk guys in horse costumes who were able to fool the genuine herd for so long because they were all too busy staring at the stars and ostracizing Firenze.

Five first year students are trampled by Threstrals

Myrtle hooks up with a goth Muggle on one of her trips out of the school sewer system. Hogwart's most pressing problem is suddenly less being invaded by Death Eaters and more the constant System of a Down emanating from the toilets.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Hello and welcome back, this time to the Mediumly-Sized Shack of Random Fanfiction. Despite the deterioration of the quality of my abode, I remain an infinitely powerful, pan-dimensional being from the far corner of the galexy, and the true owner of all of the Harry Potter books, which J.K. Rowling blatantly plagarized. And if you believe that, I have a nice grindylow to sell you that would go great with that hippogriff.

ONWARDS ONCE AGAIN!

**_(More) Rejected Harry Potter Plot Twists_ **

Voldemort's dramatic red snake eyes are revealed to be nothing but mail-order contact lenses.

Hermione gets a makeover so that her hair stays in its Slinky Yule Ball incarnation all of the time. Ron, thoroughly disenchanted, starts going out with Viktor Krum.

A passing giant mistakes the Lovegood house for a saltshaker, and attempts to use it to spice up his dinner of captured Muggles, with somewhat disastrous results.

The Doctor of British Television Fame, also passing by, mistakes the Lovegood house for a cleverly disguised Dalek, with even more disastrous results.

Rodolphus Lestrange has a change of heart and uses his ancient family riches to open a Muggle orphanage.

Where, after twenty years of peaceful business, the newest incarnation of the Standard Evil Wizard is dumped on the doorstep.

No one is surprised.

Draco Malfoy and Fleur Delacour co-launch a hair product line called Blonde Bombshell.

Marilyn Mason appears, claiming to be secret lovechild of the Dark Lord and Bellatrix Lestrange.

Stripped of makeup, fangs, leather, and miscellaneous satanic rituals, he is revealed to actually be the son of Arabella Figg and an anonymous Muggle sperm donor.

Neville Longbottom, quite enjoying his new toughboy image, decides to take up professional boxing.

Heading to the arena for his first match, he is knocked out cold by a locket-wielding Kreacher and immediately disqualified.

Nine rogue Dementors are spotted riding on Threstrals through the countryside, muttering something that sounds like "Shire" and "Baggins".

This leads to the creation of a new, foolproof method of driving away Dementors, free of wand use, by pelting them with Lord of the Rings merchandise and rolled-up posters of Elijah Woods.

Igor Karkaroff returns from the most-likely-dead to front a highly successful series entitled Muggle Eye for the Wizard Guy.

Gilderoy Lockhart, never one to miss out on a financial opportunity, fronts a series entitled Pimp My Broomstick.

This proves not quite as successful, as he is immediately sued by Molly Weasley for sexually inappropriate content and banished from the airwaves.

Professor Flitwick is revealed to be Yoda in disguise.

The Horcrux Cave is cracked open and used by tour guides as a particularly dramatic example of underground water structures.

Most of these tour guides are revealed to be free-lance Inferi, desperate for jobs following the demise of their primary employer.

Florean Fortescue's ice-cream parlor is condemned by health and sanitation inspectors.

The beverage selection at Hogwarts is expanded to include options other than "pumpkin juice", "iced pumpkin juice" and "holy shit, it's more pumpkin juice"

On special occasions, this includes real delicacies such as water.

Bill Weasley, whose wife's stunning beauty is beginning to make him feel slightly jilted and inadequate, starts having a gay love affair with Griphook.

The containment devices in the Ministry of Magic Love Room break down, causing both a dramatic spike in the level of random hook-ups and a dramatic drop in the demand for aphrodisiacs among the wizarding populace.

At the next Triwizard Tournament, the stylish, dripping entrance of the Durmstrang ship is completely ruined by what appears to be Orlando Bloom shish-kebabed on the mast.

Dolores Umbridge, always seeking to expand her sadistic torture horizons, begins teaching in the Muggle public school system.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Greetings once again! Loved to hear your reviews for the previous two chapters. Thrilled you enjoyed it, thrilled you took the time to let me know, thrilled in general. I have managed to retain my Mediumly-Sized Shack of Random Fanfiction despite having to ward off a rather large pack of nomadic Mary-Sues. This of course proves my status as an infinitely powerful, pan-dimensional being, et cetera et cetera, whose brilliant works were stolen by J.K. Rowling in the dead of the night when she'd drunk one too many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. And if you can swallow that (the story, not the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, although that would be equally impressive) then I have a beautiful pink furry sweater available for only twelve Sickles, to ensure that your grindylow does not catch cold.

FURTHER ONWARDS!

**(Even More) Rejected Harry Potter Plot Twists**

Ernie Prang is arrested for driving the Knight Bus without a license.

Minerva McGonagall decides to augment her inadequate teaching salary by posing in men's magazines.

Professor Trelawney overcomes her initial reservations and initiates a bizarre yet strangely heart-warming cross-species love affair with Firenze the centaur.

Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown, disappointed beyond words, attempt to initiate cross-species love affairs with Bane and Magorian. This does not go well.

Having lost their primary means of guarding ancient treasure in the wake of the dragon escape, the Gringotts goblins are forced to resort to lurking in the shadows and lobbing particularly slimy flobberworms at potential vault robbers.

Ariana Dumbledore turns out to be far from dead, but actually leading a quiet, well-hidden life as Petunia Dursley.

Following the compromising of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix is moved to the basement of Borgin and Burkes.

Instead of merely rendering his attacks on her offspring ineffective, Lily Evans' ghost appears and bitch-slaps Voldemort across the face whenever he attempts to use Avada Kerdavra against Harry.

In the crucial moments of the Lightning-Struck Tower Confrontation, Winky Apparates onto the scene and saves the life of Albus Dumbledore.

Some idiot kids lurking in a Bristol garage decide that Voldemort and the Death Eaters would make a great name for a band. Things get nasty.

Nymphandora Tonks, having finally decided to put her Metamorphmagus skills to better use than passing Auror examinations without study, becomes a highly successful con artist.

Fenrir Greyback is shot dead in the early 60s by a slightly confused but nonetheless accurate Muggle tiger hunter. Remus Lupin, Bill Weasley and numerous others are spared the worry.

Buckbeak becomes the next Minister of Magic.

Kingsley Shacklebolt turns out to be a cleverly disguised minor deity.

The Dursleys feel quite smug about this, claiming they knew it all along.

It is revealed that Harry's parents really DID die in a car crash. Voldemort's reign continues unabated as Harry channels all of his pent-up rage and angst into suing auto manufacturers.

The Dursleys feel quite smug about this, claiming they knew it all along.

Professor Sprout, struck with a fit of absent-mindedness, has her arm bitten off by a Venomous Tentacula.

Neville Longbottom to the rescue!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Greetings once again. Loved to hear your reviews, as always. Apologies for the ridiculous level of delays. In my defense, I have been forced from my Mediumly-Sized Shack of Random Fanfiction into a Mountainous and Rather Uncomfortable Cave of Random Fanfiction while fighting a dramatic three-pronged war with schoolwork, standardized testing and college paperwork. Not to mention that my newfound abode may or may not be sacked by giants in the near future. Things do not look good. But despite this adversity, my mere survival in these wild, dangerous times can only confirm my status as an infinitely powerful, pan-dimensional whatever whose works were blatantly stolen by J. K. Rowling, who possess all of her money but none of her mind-boggling intelligence. And if you believe that, I have a lovely jewel-encrusted saddle to sell you, as it is difficult to ride a hippogriff bareback, which should a lifetime of quality service provided said service never occurs in the presence of goblins.

ONWARDS!

**(Yet More) Rejected Harry Potter Plot Twists**

Hogsmeade is razed and replaced with a wizarding strip mall.

Severus Snape turns out to be wearing a wig. This is only revealed after his wig fixative comes loose during the Great Window Escape, leaving a thoroughly disgusted Minerva McGonagall with the cleanup.

Professor Lockhart is revealed to be a pimp. Looking back, many students acknowledge that this _does_ explain the purple dress robes.

Ron and Hermione's idyllic postwar love life comes to an abrupt halt when Ron discovers Hermione doing something highly inventive but also highly unpublishable with Rita Skeeter.

Arthur Weasley discovers Molly in a remarkably similar position with Celestina Warbeck.

Xenophilius Lovegood turns his outrageous flair for the impossible to the Muggle miracle diet pills market.

The "powdered Erumpent horn" tablets prove unexpectedly successful.

Peeves, feeling lonely after centuries of solo prank-pulling, puts up profiles on several Internet dating websites.

All of which are answered by the same female poltergeist from Switzerland by the name of Irks. Their offspring soon overrun the Hogwarts premises to the point that Dumbledore must resort to hiring Fred and George Weasley to mail them to the Minister of Magic as prank gifts.

After several nasty fatalities, Quidditch slowly declines in popularity to be replaced with a wizarding version of soccer. Dean Thomas is thrilled beyond words and goes on to captain the greatest English team of the century. Harry Potter is disgusted beyond words, but this makes little difference as no one can discern a genuine change in his personality.

Legolas, Haldir, Elrond et al, wondering how things will be for elfin descendents in the future, jump into a time warp. They appear in the Hogwarts kitchens. This does not go well.

Azkaban is revamped to form a Muggle theme park.

Acting on a last-minute epiphany, J.K. Rowling changes the title of the fifth book from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ to less mysterious but far more accurate _Harry Potter and the Bureaucracy of Death_.

The largely-demolished Fountain of Magical Brethren is replaced by several gold-gilded dance cages sized for various species.

All surviving members of the Death Eaters are set to the most painful method of death possible, which is not Crucio but, as new studies in the Department of Mysteries revealed, being stuck on the "It's a Small World After All" ride at Disney World.

Mrs. Black's portrait turns out to be a (rather grumpy) portal to another world.

While posing as Alastor Moody, Barty Crouch Jr. attempts to make the intimidating former Auror more approachable by wearing loud Hawaiian shirts.

This quickly becomes staff fashion, with Dumbledore and, rather unexpectedly, Filch, leading the pack. Binns and Pince alone abstain, albeit for vastly different reasons.

Widened knowledge of the Room of Requirement is credited with an unexpected spike in recreational drug use among the student populace.

The Grey Lady is booted out as ghost of the Ravenclaw House, who have, upon further thought, decided they'd rather have a representative who _didn't_ hand critical information to future Dark Lords, hide priceless artifacts in forests, or engage in tangled love stories with Not-Yet-Bloody Barons and then mope mysteriously about it for nigh on five centuries.

Mrs. Norris abandons Filch in favor of Justin Finch-Fletchley.

The Fat Friar is revealed to actually be important.

Madame Pomfrey, ever concerned for her student's health, begins handing out condoms and the foot of the Astronomy Tower.

Romilda Vane, sick and tired of her failure to initiate romance with the hot wizarding populace, attempts to seduce Johnny Depp.


End file.
